Commie Pinko Plot

I still remember the night that I was cruising down Monroe St. on my bicycle---long hill, after midnight, really moving--when the dreaded red and blue lights started flashing behind me. Of course my first thought was, oh no, (or something like that) SPEEDING. Well, it actually turned out to be riding without a bicycle light, but my point is, I considered myself to be equal to other vehicles on the road and perfectly capable of being pulled over for exceeding the posted speed limit. That is actually the way it works legally for bicycles, who are otherwise second citizens on the tarmac. Like many other bicyclists, I have had cars turn right into me as I waited to proceed though a green light at an intersection, and I have had passengers in moving cars reach out to touch me in the bicycle lane because they thought it was funny. In those cases I can perhaps excuse them for inattention or ignorance, but what can one say to excuse Wisconsin State Representative Steve Nass for his recent remarks?

The city of Madison recently piloted an idea from Europe in a couple of intersections. Simple really, a red box was painted in front of waiting vehicle traffic for bicycles to sit and wait for the light to change. Steve Nass is not actually a resident of Madison, although he frequently visits, apparently just to stir up trouble. This is what he had to say about the bike boxes.

"It's basically about liberal extremists in Madison who hate cars and think everyone should bike to work."

Really? I thought it was more likely to be about road safety. I guess I just fail to see how creating bike boxes forces people to ride bikes instead of driving their cars. I actually intend to continue driving my car, but I am also glad that when I ride my bike I will be just a little safer from those drivers who are looking left, and turning right. And God forbid we should bike to work, unleashing ourselves in a small measure from dependence on petroleum products, while simultaneously working on the national obesity problem.

No, this is too obvious. I must be missing something, and I suspect it is the fact that he bike boxes originated in Europe and they are RED. Of course! In the state that produced Senator Joe McCarthy, we have grown complacent---this shows all the signs of a Commie Pinko Plot. I understand that Mr. Nass intends to use his remaining time in the Legislature introducing a bill to ban the boxes. I am sure he will be able to make a really good case, especially if he has had first hand experience riding a bicycle in Madison. In fact, he can borrow mine. I will show him how to ride it and let him use my helmet, although I have to wonder if there is actually anything left there to protect.