Contagion

I have had a flu shot for the past eleven years and it has been at least that long since I have been really sick. I was starting to feel complacent and apparently this may have caused my biological guard to drop. Whether it was that, or the possibility that the flu shot manufacturers missed the slow boat from China this year, I am here to tell you, there is some nasty stuff going around. Should you be so unlucky, here is a bit of advice for getting through it at home, surrounded by your loved ones.

First of all, if your loved ones are surrounding you, make them wear surgical masks at all times. The holiday photos will be memorable. In case you are wondering why the patient wouldn't be the one wearing the mask, it is because you will be having enough trouble breathing without the extra interference.

It starts with a sneeze and sudden nose congestion, as if you had just been exposed to something that makes you allergic. At this point you have about 36 hours to complete your holiday preparations and lay in supplies before an alien takes up residence in one of your sinuses (yes, just one, but that is more than enough) and your nose starts to run.

Here is what you will need: chapstick, aspirin, or the equivalent, lots of Kleenex (I recommend the kind with lotion--this is no time to pinch pennies) and lots and lots of liquids. Don't worry about food--you won't want to eat. Nor should you, for reasons that become clear on day three. Charge up your phone--it is an excellent way to summon your caretakers from other parts of the house, though they may not fall for it a second time. Attire: Docker drawstring men's pajamas and a really old Tshirt are just the items you need to transition from day to evening, and straight into bed, if you aren't there already.

Forget reading anything more involved than Dick and Jane, catching up on correspondence. etc. You won't have the energy and your feeble attempts to accomplish anything will only make you feel worse. On day four I attempted a Humphrey Bogart movie, but the suspense regarding who killed Maria, and why, (and what was the deal with the cousin?) continued even after the final credits rolled. It was simply over my head. I had more success with CaddyShack, and watching it twice helped me pick up the subtle plot nuances that I missed the first time.

The good news is that by day six, you will once again be able to leave the house with a portable Kleenex supply small enough to fit in a purse or several pockets. You may even be able to operate heavy machinery, such as a car. One final note--to our friends who invited us for a lovely dinner on day two--if I had known I was going to get that sick I wouldn't have exposed you to me. Or at the very least, I would have brought surgical masks for everyone.